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Suddenly Single

 

Last updated 2/17/2021 at 1:15pm



Dear SharonAnn,

I’ve been divorced for five years, and I’m ready to find a life partner. It’s a lonely time – being socially distanced it’s hard to meet someone new. I tried online dating, but there are many liars. I just feel disgusted. What do you suggest? How can I see behind the mask?

– Signed: Lonely

Dear Lonely,

I feel for you. This is an awful time to be alone, and to find a new partner. However, it’s not impossible. These days you do need to rely on connecting using internet methods, but that doesn’t necessarily mean dating sites. The best four places to ask for introductions are: family, friends and neighbors, colleagues at work and at church.

When a name comes up, set up a call using Zoom, WhatsApp or Telegram. You will be surprised at what you pick up on such a call.

Watch for these red flags. If the person answers while lounging on a bed or couch, and is shirtless, end the call right away. If the person hogs the talking time, end it. If the person brags, end the call. If the person wants an overnight visit, end it. If the person seems stuck in the past or is bitter, end it. You get the idea. Avoid wasting your time on prospects that won’t be healthy for you in the long run.

Sooner or later, there will be one you want to meet. You can set up an outdoor walking meeting like along the beach or around a park. You can keep the distance, but take off your masks if you are both comfortable doing so. Coffee meetings are another possibility.

Even in these tough times when face-to-face is challenging, you can find a new partner. Take your time to see behind the mask, and show your new friend what’s behind your own. Truth telling, on both your parts, sets you up for a strong and happy future.

Is there such thing as unethical dating?

Dear SharonAnn,

I have a friend who has been divorced for 12 years. She is very successful in real estate, but she is a serial, handyman dater. She refuses to date any other type of man. The men always help her fix stuff. Then they break up and soon thereafter, she finds another handyman. Do you think this is right?

– Signed, Ethical

Dear Ethical,

It’s hard not to judge. But we must. Maybe your friend is attracted to the muscles most physical workers have. Maybe she enjoys learning the trades. We don’t know another person’s heart. Maybe between your friend and her dates there is a mutual understand and enjoyment around fixing things. You don’t know.

I will say if you date someone for what you can receive, sooner or later there will be consequences. It’s unethical to use people. Have you heard of “a nurse with a purse?” It refers to an older man marrying for personal care and money. Or have you heard of “sugar daddy?” It refers to a younger woman marrying a wealthy, older man for money.

On the surface, it is a win-lose scenario. One person receives much more than the other. I think it’s unethical if the two are not upfront about all the reasons for offering and accepting.

Back to your serial, handyman-dating friend, you might also be asking if you should point this out to her. The first answer is: after you have fixed all of your own flaws and you are perfect, wait, that will never happen to any of us. So, the answer is NO, especially if you want to continue the friendship. You may only talk about this with her IF she opens the door to such a discussion.

In any case, her life and handymen are her business. Not yours.

SharonAnn Hamilton, MBA, CFP®(retired), MSFS, CMC® journeyed in the suddenly single world for seven years (now happily remarried.) She mentors suddenly single men and women by guiding toward a strong financial, emotional and spiritual foundation for protection while processing changes and designing a new life going forward. Email: [email protected] for more info or to be invited to the next Zoom Conversation.

 

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