Dear Sheila,

Every time I have a boyfriend some little thing will happen and I just blow up. It could be that he's running a little late to pick me up or forgot to call me when he said he would and I wind up telling him I hate him and I never want to see him again. Almost immediately, I realize how much I love him, can't believe what I've done and I'm frantic to get him back.

It's as if I am not myself. Feelings take over and I don't even know what I'm doing or saying. It's happened in public and my boyfriends get really embarrassed. I've done this over and over again. I don't know why I do it. I've had guys dump me for doing it but I can't seem to help it. I got upset a lot when I was little too because I remember my mom telling me to quit my whimpering.

My mom raised me on her own and she worked hard and didn't have a lot of time to hear me sniveling about things. I always frustrated her and made her angry so I guess I've been difficult for a long time. Even knowing all that, I still can't seem to stop myself from reacting this way. Why do I do this?

------Wishy Washy Wilma in Edmonds

Dear Wilma,

Sometimes feelings can be really overwhelming and scary especially to someone who didn't have a patient, supportive parent to listen to their fear, sadness and pain as a child. We learn how to manage our own feelings through the examples that our parents show us.

What strikes me about what you wrote is how your mother told you to quit your "whimpering." I don't consider the emotional upset of a child as whimpering. No child should be told this. It sounds to me that your mother was not able to soothe you and make you feel better and possibly it was like that from the very beginning.

When this happens, kids do not always learn how to regulate their emotions and it can continue into adulthood. By regulating emotions I mean managing feelings so that one can calm oneself, self-soothe, keep from having embarrassing outbursts. Generally this goes hand in hand in kids who grow up without a strong sense of security and trust in a home with a caregiver. I'm wondering if this might be the situation for you.

Without a strong sense of security and trust in a caregiver, a child's bond to that caregiver can become ambivalent the same way you describe your relationship with men: some moments you love them and some moments you hate them, want them to go away and never come back.

You may want to love and trust a man but it never feels safe to completely do so. Ironically, the fear you hold close to your heart of being hurt by a significant other comes true because you push them away regardless of your best intensions.

Three ways you can learn to regulate your emotional responses are through appraisal, distract and suppression:

*  Try and view the situation from a different perspective. Look at the positive side and how the situation is not so bad.

* Distract yourself with other things by changing your activity, your environment, putting on some music, etc.

* Will yourself to remain calm and collected. Use some deep breathing and give yourself permission to come back to the topic later when you are ready and in a safe, private situation.

Please know that what your mother called "whimpering" was your natural and normal attempt to illicit comfort and care from her. This does not make you a difficult child. Had your mom been able to support you and comfort you in the way you needed perhaps having relationships would not be such a risky experience for you.

Please work towards recognizing by yourself or with a counselor that fears you are reliving with men are echoes from your past and not necessarily a reflection of your current situation.

Sincerely,

Sheila Jalali, MA

Sheila Jalali is a Mental Health Counselor in private practice in Old Town at 627 5th Street, Suite 203 in Mukilteo. She can be reached at (425) 244-2565 or by email at Sheila@JalaliCounseling.com. Put "Permission" on the subject line. She welcomes questions and comments. Learn more about her counseling practice on her website www.jalalicounseling.com.

The information in this article is for informational purposes only and is not meant as medical/mental health advice for the diagnosis or treatment of any medical or mental health conditions.